I got these off a fig tree. 

Figs, off a fig tree? No shit, I’d have never guessed. 

Alright wiseass, can the shit, this isn’t just any fig tree. It’s a special fig tree. 

Special like its figs are poisonous?

No. It’s a specific fig tree in Sri Lanka. 

Um Ok?

Na hear me out. You know the Bodhi tree right? 

The one Ole’ Siddhartha sat under ’till he got his, and everybody else’s, shit all figured out. 

If by that you mean the tree under which the Buddha attained enlightenment, then yes. 

That tree’s in India chief.

I know asshole, or to be really accurate, it was. The original is dead, sort of. 

How can a tree be ‘sort of’ dead? 

Well a cutting of it survived, and is still alive today on the spot that the Buddha sat, but there is an even older cutting that is in Sri Lanka. That, my friend is where I got these figs. 

No shit, figs from a sacred tree?

Not only sacred, the oldest tree continuously tended by the hands of man. Someone brought it from India to Sri Lanka and it has grown and thrived through 2000 years worth of generations, each making sure it is going strong for the next. It’s huge nowadays. It mean fuck, it’s 2000 years old. Tress grow slow as fuck, but that’s a fuck load of time. 

So how did you get the figs? Stole them and as such are currently wanted by the Sri Lankan po-po?

Not at all, my buddy is studying the tree. He’s an expert, they check it pretty regularly to make sure it’s doing ok.

It is getting up there, after all. 

Well for a tree, not really. It’ll out live us baring something catastrophic. But while my buddy was there doing his tests and what not, it bore fruit. One of the caretakers gave him some with a wink and a nod not to tell anyone about it. So my buddy gave me five of the fruits, dried of course, for flavor and shelf life. But here’s where I got creative.

You planted it and now it’s growing a direct descendant of one of the most famous trees in the world?

Better than that. Remember that vial of acid I got from the guy in the chemistry department?

You mean the shit that is some of, if not the purest acid on earth, made by the hands of not some guy in the chemistry department, but a tenured professor in chemistry? Yes, I do. I’ve had it too, it’s not exactly a light dose, that’s some balls to the walls shit. I had one hit and I was fucking interplanetary. Shit, I should have spoken to some guy from the astrophysics department before that expedition.

Well here’s the thing, I busted out my eye dropper and put two hits of Acid on each fig. 

No shit.

Shit indeed. I’m gonna plant a tree of wisdom in your mind mother fucker. 

Oh god damn, well then, let’s get all enlightened and shit. 

Hell yeah, all aboard the nirvana express. 

You might also enjoy: