So if you could eat a totoro would you? 

Not sure, they look a little fatty for my taste, but I wouldn’t be sure. What do you think they are, red meat? 

Blue meat maybe.

They are from Japan, perhaps they taste like fish. 

But really, if somehow, out in the wilds of Japan, they found a Totoro. Or I should say an abundance of them, totoros, or totori, or totoroei or whatever, would you be down to eat one?

They look so friendly, and pretty sure they’re sentient, or if not sentient then the closest to sentient you can get without being truly self aware. Not sure I’d be down to kill them. 

What if there was an overpopulation? Cull the herd so to speak. 

Well we don’t really do that with higher order species. Though I guess that’s more ‘cause none of the really intelligent species are found in abundance any more. That said, if there were an overpopulation of chimps or bonobos I don’t think we’d cull them. So no. 

What if one got hit by a bullet train?


The Shinkansen, the bullet trains in Japan, what if a Totoro was crossing the tracks and got hit. 

Jesus. I’m no physicist nor a Totoro biologist, but I’m pretty sure there’d be nothing left. You know how fast those motherfucking trains go? I mean we could simulate it with a cow, or maybe a yak would be more accurate, but I’m sure it’d damage the train and the Japanese Railway authorities wouldn’t be crazy about the idea. 

I’d imagine the Yak would feel the same way. That said, just say we found one, it’s dead, it’s still edible, would you eat it. Same goes if we found one of the Dragons that are said to live in the hills of Hong Kong, or the Loch Ness monster.

So you’re asking if I’d eat Nessie? 

Yeah, or some such mythical creature, Nessie, Totoro.

I’d say no, but if it got good reviews I could be persuaded. I must say though, while I might not, I’m sure motherfuckers would line up to eat that motherfucker.


For sure, think of all the ways we overuse shit on this earth. Anything cool that is discovered is eaten to excess once popular. Watch if they discover some weird fruit in the Amazon, it will be in every trendy breakfast cafe within a few years and either extinct in a few more years or being grown on enormous plantations in the destroyed ruins of the forests it once called home. 

Touche. So then I guess if you were at some bougie coffee shop, having boozy brunch, some Saturday morning and they had fried totoro with a side of dragon infused tea and Nessie chips would you, you personally order it. 

Well, I’m a consumer whore like that so I’d guess so, would you?

Man shit, I’d eat it day one. If I found that mother fucker by the railway tracks I’d build a fire and roast his ass on the spot. 

I appreciate your moral clarity on the issue.

Glad I can please. 

You might also enjoy: